When we first met, my life was like an unbelievable dream. You made me feel things I never thought were possible, we were perfect and so in love. I felt so alive with you, you brought out a crazier carefree self in me. You treated me like a queen and took care of me like no one ever had. The thought of living out my life with such a perfect partner was inconceivable. Nothing could ruin us, we wouldn’t let it.
As time went on, we partied and went out and spent every moment we could together. Everything was amazing for a long while. Slowly, I noticed there were times you drank way too much. One night, I don’t even remember how it came about, but you had had way too much to drink. I had never seen someone so drunk and so irrational and I didn’t know what to do. You wanted to leave and get more beer and you couldn’t even stand up straight. Yelling and screaming at each other, while I physically hung onto you to get you from leaving out of the patio door. Finally the only thing I could think of was to call your dad. He arrived and we all tried to calm you down, I don’t remember how it all ended.
You tell yourself, man something got way out of hand. She must have be upset by something. She misjudged how much she drank… I had known her for about 10 years in a working relationship, she was goofy and had gone through hard times. I knew she liked to have fun and was somewhat crazy at times. Did I think she had a drinking problem – never crossed my mind.
Another time, I have no idea how it started but you were enraged at me and called your parents and told them I threatened to have your child taken away. Once again your parents came over to calm the storm. Because you wanted nothing to do with me and were kicking me out, I went to stay with them overnight.
I remember being in the basement and you punching a hole in the wall and then grabbing me by the ears, trying to rip my earrings out. Another time choking me in the hallway. Coming home in the morning after I had left the night before and finding all my stuff on the deck. I knew this wasn’t right and I should have gotten out, but I was in too deep. I loved you beyond words, I saw such a damaged girl that I just wanted to hold you and make you see how special you were. I could fix you, I know I could!
Then the night, the night I would give anything to change. We were out and once again you were drunk. I don’t know why we were fighting, but I was pissed beyond belief. You were walking home and I wanted you to get back in the car. I wanted you to know how mad I was, how much I hated your drinking, I wanted you to pay attention and know I was serious and this was serious. I hit the gas thinking I would just tap you, but it wasn’t a tap, I slammed into your leg, forever damaging you. I can never forgive myself and till this day still have nightmares. It turns my stomach and makes me sick that I did that. I can’t change it and you will never forgive me and I won’t ever forgive myself. This was the worst thing I had ever done in my life and was so ashamed and shocked at myself.
Angers died down and drinking slowed, as we settled into a family life. I wanted to give you a normal family life and nice home. You deserved the best, I wanted you to be happy and have it all. We were still so in love, perfectly matched. Happy to do nothing but hang out together, talk about our future and retirement.
Stresses began as teen aged life approaches. Drinking increases again.
Who are you, no seriously? This is not my love.
You look different, hard and foreign. You’re mean and unfeeling and I don’t know what your talking about or accusing me of.
Why would you be saying such things and calling me such horrible names?
I just want it to stop, let the morning come fast.
Not again, I don’t know what brings it on. I thought you were happy, I thought we were happy.
No, that’s not what I said!
You’re taking it the wrong way!
I did not do that!
The hurtful words and names continue until you pass out. I can finally breathe a sigh of relief because I know you’re safe in bed. I cry as I relive the things you said, I barely sleep.
It continues regularly, the banging downstairs, the yelling, the STRANGER at night. My stomach is sick and my heart aches and is beating fast. How will I handle it now, be overly nice? Try to get her in bed? Ignore her? I have no clue how it will go down. I want to hide under the bed. Finally you are sleeping. I cry as I relive the things you said, I barely sleep.
I figure out if I lay low and stay away it will be over fast and in the morning we never touch on it and it just goes away. I don’t know who you are anymore and I don’t know why I can’t make you happy. I just want our love back. My heart is starting to close. I’m angry and full of anxiety at you all the time. Why are you ruining what we have? I can’t love you the way you want me to when I’m still trying to recover from the words and whatever happened that you don’t remember.
The nights are bad, but the days you don’t expect it and it catches you off guard, are almost worse. You see the ugliness or you have to make excuses to others that see it. Why am I embarrassed? Why are they looking at me with pity? I don’t want this! Why are you doing this again? I hate seeing you like this, this isn’t even you! I don’t want to count how many drinks you’ve had or worse, have someone ask me if I know how many you’ve had! I have to ignore it, I have to build a shield up because I know this isn’t going to end well. I can’t love you anymore!
I have a great day and I’m excited to come home and see you! I walk in and I can tell immediately you’re not yourself, you’ve been drinking. You’re ugly, you’re slurry, you’re stumbly. WHY are you doing this to me again? We lose the whole night and I barely sleep. Ignore it, shove it down, close your heart even more.
Oh my gosh, we have so much to do when I get home. I don’t know where you are because this person here is not you. I want you gone, I hate you! Why would you do this now, I needed you. Fighting and nasty words. I cry as I relive the things you said, I barely sleep. I can’t keep doing this. I still love my girl but not the impostor. I’m pissed, angry, disgusted, tired, I give up. I don’t want to be lovey with you. I want you to suffer. I want you to feel my pain. My heart closes faster and faster and I’m hoping for a miracle that will break it wide open and blow the fucked up drunk away!
I blame you for my anxiety, uncertainty, and the stress I feel creep up when we go anywhere you are going to be drinking. I’m a walking time bomb, I want to lash out at you. I will say anything so you know how pissed and serious I am. Only that isn’t working. My guard is up all the time, I’m not having fun with you anymore. I want to go back to the good. I want to love fiercely and not have any doubts or disappointments. I want you to want to change and not damage what we have, but you don’t want to. I can’t give my all to someone who doesn’t think this is a deal breaker and who is literally killing my spirit and the person I am.
I know my faults and I own up to them. I’m a perfectionist, I think I’m right most of the time, I say mean nasty things, I will demean and knock you down when I feel threatened. I will be the coldest person you can ever imagine if you are hurting me and I don’t want you to know. I have never been like this in happy times or if I wasn’t pushed to my breaking point. I’m a fixer, I’m an enabler so maybe that’s what I’m drawn to and when I’m disappointed over and over I become your worst nightmare.
I don’t like the person I’m becoming, that I believe is due to the circumstances of your drinking. That’s what I believe. You believe I don’t think anything is my fault, which is not true. I’m trying to make you see how it got this way. That to me, seems like a standstill. I can’t change your drinking and I feel like I’m cutting myself short by pretending it’s okay. We will all end up unhappy. I just want what we had and I don’t know that we can get that back. I have so much resentment and disappointment built up just from this and this doesn’t even factor in your child, which is another story completely. I’m sorry and sad and don’t understand why we can’t make it work, but something is holding us back. I am not going have someone make me believe I’m the problem. I’m sorry, the things happening here stem from the drinking and the problems with you child. I’m not apologizing for that, only about how I may have handled them.
I’m not writing this as a break up. I’m writing it as my view, maybe you can see me differently.